I Am Strong

30 03 2011

Lots of heavy stuff going on here lately. My cat and I are pregnant at the same time, but she is going to pop any day now, and I have to wait until October. As soon as I have a bump I will post a picture. As soon as there are kittens, I will post pictures, too.

I have been dealing with a lot of rage issues lately. This pregnancy has brought up all these deeply buried emotions lately and I have had no choice but to deal with them and work it out. Last night I realized that I have really turned into a verbally abusive person as of late. This is never a person I have envisioned myself being, but here it is, staring me in the face.

I really feel like I am acting out a lot of the stuff that I went through as a child. I say these nasty things thinking “if I just let it out, I’ll feel better.” But you know, I end up just feeling worse. I feel worse for acting like a crazy, angry person with no self control. I am going to have to find a way to deal with this. This is not the kind of person I want to be for my child, and these are not the kind of emotions I want to program in while I’m pregnant. This is not the kind of person that the people around me should have to live with, and I know this isn’t the woman that my partner fell in love with. It must be painful for him to see me that way.

I am so thankful for being with M. He has been at the receiving end of all of these outbursts, all this anger. He has really taken it in stride I think, and he has patiently kept pointing my behavior out to me. He is the one that is helping me see my patterns, he is the one helping me work through all of this.

Realizing I have become a person I never wanted to be is painful. Realizing I am unconsciously¬†repeating a cycle of anger and abuse is painful. Knowing that I can change, knowing that it doesn’t have to be this way, is the best feeling in the world.

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