How to Be An Angry Victim

4 01 2009

Well, it finally happened. I am finally really angry at the strip club industry. I went in to the club last night around 8. Thought I should work a little. Well, so did 30 of my (not so) closest stripper friends. This is in a club with ONE stage. We didn’t have 30 customers at any given point all night. I tried to leave. I was having bad cramps due to the piece of cotton I was forced to plug myself up with in order to work in the first place. I refuse to take painkillers for something like cramps, because I can fix that problem by using my diva cup. I was at the club last night from 8pm until 2:30am, and I made $25. Yep, $25. It’s just so fucking ridiculous.  To make matters worse, once I gave up on trying to make money, and put my efforts in trying to just leave, I decided to start people watching/listening. I have come to the conclusion that some guys go to the strip club just to be the cool guys at the strip club. I think they might be the same guys that ACTUALLY read the articles in a porn magazine. And then try to discuss them with friends, like it is a piece of serious journalism. Gag. I’m going to go out on the line here with a very politically incorrect statement and say that being the cool guy at the strip club is like being the least “special” kid at the special Olympics.

I just don’t want to do it anymore. If I didn’t have to pay rent tomorrow, I would never put a foot in a strip club again. My faith in humanity developed a really big crack in it last night. One that I am not sure is going to heal, and one that I know for a fact will continue to get worse the longer I work in this industry.

Mostly I am upset with myself though. I am a strong, creative, smart, adventurous person. And I have let myself become a victim. I gave all my power to the uptight assholes that run the strip clubs. I walk in the door and become ditzy, meek, dumb. I say it’s the club’s fault for charging me so much in rent each night, it’s the city’s fault for being so uptight that we have to have dry clubs, it’s the customers fault, it’s the economy’s fault. Seriously. The list goes on and on and on. But I never blame myself. I blame everyone but me. There are a million ways out there to earn a dime. and this is just one of them. I’ve been so busy making sure I keep being a victim that I have stopped trying to find another way. A way that uses my strengths, instead of capitalizing on my weaknesses.

Men. They are not to be trusted. Strippers. They are pretty much stuck with the same problems I’ve described here. I would love to describe, in detail, exactly what happened last night that broke me. But it was just an accumulation of everything last night. Listening to the DJ with his little quips about each dancer: Ooh, she is HOT! Try her for a dance…she is rumored to be VERY good at it! Blah blah blah. Listening to the false conversation between dancers and customers, each one of them dancing around the real subject (lap dances). Customers TEASING girls with lap dances in order to try to take them out for lunch. (Happened to me and one of my friend last night. Some guy was saying “blah blah blah sameoldthing, I would like a lap dance, but only if you go out to lunch with me.” I said ni, I don’t date people I meet in the club. He didn’t even listen to a word I said because then he launched into his spiel about how he wouldn’t be MY customer, he is a customer of the club, he would just give me the $20 when we met for lunch. I just got up and walked away. For fucks sake. Don’t fuckin patronize me and talk down to me. What a douche. Night after night. This is what I have to deal with. Pathetic examples of mankind and the human race. If I could sell everything and join the Peace Corps, I would do it today. Now. I would be gone tomorrow, doing something good for the world and for my life. I would work hard to repair the damage that so many years working in a strip club have done.

I realized that, either because of what I do for a living, or as a general flaw in my personality (which has led me to this point in my life), I have no one close to me in my life. I have acquaintances, friends, good friends, even some best friends. But I have no one that I am 100% open with. I would say my mom, but the people that I am closest with, all live very far away. Hell, the closest thing I have to family in my life are my best guy friend here in Washington, and my roommate. I am closer to them than my own family. I just find it’s easier to not get too close, because they will most likely leave you at some point. So it hurts less when they do leave if you aren’t super close to start with. Or, I can (and often do) leave first. That way I get hurt the least. It is very selfish. I realize that. But no one else is going to look out for me, watch out for my best interests. No one has done that for me since I became an adult. I guess that is the cold harsh truth of being an adult. When I am in a relationship, I feel like I am always waiting for the other person to get fed up and tired of me, and finally leave. I am sure my fatalistic attitude carries a large weight on why my relationships eventually fail. Well, the easy way to deal with that is to stop being in relationships. Like now. At least it is one less thing I don’t have to lie about when I talk to my customers.

I am just so exhausted of not trusting people. I am tired of feeling like people look at me and just want to use me. Hell, I’m just tired. I want to settle down, have a career doing something I really enjoy, but I have no idea what I want to do. I’m scared that I will be 30 in a few short years, and I still have no clue what to do with my life. My friends have careers, college degrees, own their own companies. I am still a stripper. I can barely pay my rent. By letting myself become a victim, I have let myself fall through the cracks. I am LETTING myself waste away into nothing, all because it is so much easier to be a victim than to do something to change the situation. This has to change today.

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5 responses

4 01 2009
Dorothy

Dude, that sucks. HARD. I have quite a bit of respect for strippers, but I’m a girl….. but my husband does, too. And if you want to know some of the better clubs, we have friends in the area that may be able to help you out. If you really want to. But you’re right- you’re smart crafty and GORGEOUS, and there are a million things you could do. Because you are awesome.

5 01 2009
anonymous

Wow!

It looks like you have finally learned that you have had a victim mentality. That’s a great revelation, and will allow you to move forward with the rest of your life. You need to get out of that club. Examine your strengths, your desires, your passions. What else are you good at? What else do you like? They say, “Do what you like, and you’ll never work a day in your ilfe!”. Keep moving forward. You have created momentum with your realization, now keep moving forward, and you’ll get out of your rut. The rut is that club. Even with minimum wage, you would have made about 40 something dollars in that same time period at another job. Carpe Dium!

9 01 2009
jessimonster

You know, there is a lot you can do out there. And you’re absolutely right about your finer qualities, they are the kind of qualities that all sorts of organizations are looking for. Why not talk to a Peace Corps recruiter? Why not talk to an Army recruiter (but be careful with them, they can be worse than used car salesmen). Why not look at going to school for something new? Why not look at any and every other option?
You know, I hate being in the Army. Its not a bad job over all, it wasn’t even always a bad job for me, but its a bad job for me now. I took some valuable things from my Army experience, and I hope that I gave some valuable things back to the Army, but I think we’ve reached a point where we don’t have much left to offer each other.
Maybe thats whats happened with your job. I know how it feels when you think you’re stuck somewhere, but you’re really not. Its a great big world out there. You have a lot of options. You didn’t always do this. What did you do before? It can be hard without people close to you, but it can benefit you too. You are lucky in that no one depends on you for your income. You could temporarily live out of your car to make a new career work, if you needed to.
You know what I’m doing to prepare myself for an eventual discharge? I’m studying to become a doula. I’m almost certified now. I’m also getting a certification in massage therapy. Those two things together might make a halfway descent career. You know what else I’m doing? I’m selling for two direct marketing companies. I’m not very good at it yet, but if I’m persistant, and I keep working towards it, I think it could be a good income supplement. When it all lines up, which I think it will in a year or two, I can get out.
Are these things risky? Yes. But I know if I stay in the Army my life is going to be miserable. There’s a chance of a good life somewhere else. I’ll take that chance.

21 02 2009
David

Great blog!

I stumbled over this while researching information for a bike/camping trip I’m planning to make through Europe in a few months. I can really relate to your need for change. I left the USA to travel and discover the world and was detoured 10 years ago to Ukraine and have been here ever since. Now I’m finally about to move on again.

You have an interesting writing style. You should really pursue this.

I hope you post more.

I wish you all the best.

1 03 2009
Mike

Just passing by.Btw, your website have great content!

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Making Money $150 An Hour

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