Back In the (Bike) Saddle

21 11 2008

Date: November 20

Mileage: 16.0

November Mileage: 16.0

Year to Date Mileage: 462.8

My bike has finally been put back together, tuned up, and I’ve stopped making excuses for not riding her. Yesterday I tried out my new handlebars for pretty much the first time. After I got them installed in Omaha, I ran out of chances to ride my bike, so I never got to try them out. Having drop handlebars is really different. I don’t feel as stable as I did on my old mustache handlebars, but I really do like having a variety of positions to put my hands in. It will take some getting used to I guess. My back brake doesn’t feel as tight as I’d like, and my front basket that I really haven’t had a chance to use yet isn’t even on my bike anymore. For some reason the brackets don’t fit. It was ON my bike with the new handlebars when I was in Omaha. When the bike shop shipped my bike, they took the brackets off, and now I can’t figure out how to put it back on. Fuck.

The ride last night was great. I haven’t felt that good in a long time. It even made my 6.5 hours of “work” at Walmart more tolerable. The ride in to work was almost exclusively downhill. 8 miles. Into the wind. In the rain. It was exhilarating. The ride home at 11:00 at night was, uh, not. It was uphill 8 miles. Into the wind (how does that even happen?) Through dark (pitch black) woods. And half way home, it didn’t start raining, it started pouring. The good news is that since it was so dark, I didn’t pay much attention to riding up the hill. I just did it.

Lately I’ve found myself consumed with thoughts of relationships and marriage. It’s unsettling to only be able to think of one thing all the time. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not in a relationship now, or if it’s hormones, or what. But it’s frustrating. Last night on my bike ride, I decided that I associate being in a relationship with happiness. And I associate marriage with solidifying a relationship. So what I am actually wanting isn’t marriage or a relationship, it’s happiness, and solidifying happiness in my life. By craving a relationship, by craving marriage, I am craving happiness. I am not sure if this is right or not, but it makes sense in a roundabout way.

The ironic thing is by thinking so much about how much I want to be in a relationship, the more I realize I’m NOT in a relationship. So I projecting this energy of NOT being in a relationship out into the world. So what do I get back, what’s projected back at me? NOT being in a relationship.

I have realized that I need to go through with what I came out here to do, instead of trying to divert my attention by thinking of what I don’t have in the first place. I came out here to be single, to find happiness within myself, to figure out who and what I am. I want to finish college, I want to bike long distances, and travel, and backpack and climb rocks and camp. I want to get back in touch with myself. If I spend all my time obsessing over what I don’t have, I will keep not having what I don’t have.

I do this to myself all the time, and it’s time to break the cycle. I start doing things for myself, start taking care of myself and looking out for myself, and then I begin to sabotage it by telling myself it isn’t what I really want. I try to convince myself I would be happier if my life had complications in it, that it would be better if things weren’t simple for once. I am afraid if things being simple, because then I will have to start thinking about myself again. And who really wants to think of themselves? Who really wants to look in all those little nooks and crannies of their souls, the places that are easy to forget about but also hard to clean out? But I will never grow into the woman and adult that I want to be, that I know I really am, if I don’t do a little spring cleaning in my soul.

In the knitting world… I finally finished the knitting of my Tangled Yoke Cardigan. All I have left to do is weave in my yarn ends, wash and block it, and then sew in the zipper. Yay! Pictures will be coming as soon as it’s finished (this week, I promise).

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