Fear Can Cloud Your Judgement

24 06 2008

Date: June 24

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 91.8

Year to Date Mileage: 424.8

 

This morning, the puppy woke me up at 5:30, like usual, for his morning walk. I stepped outside, and heard the distant thunder. Every now and then the sky would lighten briefly, but I could discern no lightening nearby, so we headed off on our walk. Fearing that the thunderstorm would roll in any minute, and we would be caught in a downpour, I hastened our walk from the usual 1 hour to a paltry 20 minutes.

We never did get rained on, in fact, we could have walked for the whole hour, and never haver been rained on. But I used the extra time back at home to clean the kitchen from last night’s dinner, take care of the critters, clean my piercings, order a Campmor catalog, and make lunch for the next two days at work. So I used my extra time wisely, but the puppy could have used that exercise even more.

The bike ride was nice, but I quickly realized that my nice “rain-proof” coat from REI is no longer water proof, so I will need to Scotchguard it soon. I got to work, changed out of my wet clothes and laid them out to dry, and got to work.

My morning has been busy, but I can’t stop thinking about the boyfriend. See, this is where my true fears come in. I need to decide if/how/when to come out of the closet with him. I am certain he knows that soemthing is going on, he has become increasingly distant with me in the last few weeks. My fear isn’t that he knows I am gay, my fear is that I will lose him forever.

He is my family. He is my best friend. He has been my lover for three years. He rescued me from myself and the edge of a bottomless abyss. He knows my deepest, darkest secrets. He knows everything about me, well, except for this lesbian thing. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to be lonely and alone. Mostly, I don’t want him to be lonely, alone, or hurt. This has nothing to do with who he is, it has everything to do with who I am.

I feel like I am cheating on him with myself. I have no desire in dating anyone else, I am not seeing anyone else. I have not been unfaithful to him, ever. But this secret that I have, it feels deceptive, like I am cheating.

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One response

24 06 2008
jessimonster

Wow. It really has been a long time since I read my regular blogs. I didn’t realize you had discovered this about yourself. Or maybe you discovered it forever ago, but are now just announcing it (when ever you announced it, since its been a few weeks since I’ve read)? I don’t know. I’m glad to see that you are really thinking about addressing these feelings. I can’t imagine how complicated and hard that must be.
I don’t suppose I have any advice to give. I’ve never been in that situation before. I keep trying to come up with something encouraging to say, but I suck at this.

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