Remembered Memories

23 06 2008

Date: June 23, 2008

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 87.4

Year to Date Mileage: 420.4

 

It’s kind of funny. You don’t ever realize you have repressed or forgotten a memory until you remember it.

That happened to me this morning on my walk with Loki. I was thinking back to when I first realized I liked girls, but didn’t realize it was “wrong”. I was suddenly hit with this memory of my best friend from 4th grade, I think. It might have been third grade. But she lived through these “woods”. We would take this path to each others house. She was Puerto Rican, very exotic to a third grader from Puyallup, Washington. We had this big fenced in area that my dad’s girlfriend was planning on turning into a garden. I remember my friend and I playing in that area. I wanted to build us a house in there. It would be our own little house, with a little fenced in yard. When that fell through, we started getting supplies together so I could build us a house off the wooded path.

Somewhere along the way, I lost contact with her, and found a new best friend. This best friend thought it was strange for me to want to build a house, that was what BOYS did. Girls made houses pretty. She never said to me directly, but insinuated, that it was wierd for me to like girls, and that I should like boys, like her. That was when I began to deny that I liked girls. I always had crushes on my best friends, checked out other girls, bought presents for the girls I had crushes on. But I only dated boys.

Eventually, I got to the point where I didn’t even remember that I had liked girls. And then I started digging into myself. Refusing to settle for “good enough.” At some point, I am going to have to have some difficult discussions. Most likely sooner than later. But for right now, I am just happy to have remembered something about my childhood that reaffirms who I am.

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