Yo yo yo

20 06 2008

Date: June 18, 19, & 20

Mileage: 4.4, 4.4, & 4.4

June Mileage: 83

Year to Date Mileage: 416

 On my iPod: Old 97’s “Buick City Complex”

Looks like I am out of here this afternoon. Not that it comes as any big surprise to me, just to you. I am going camping this weekend with my best friend. She is turning the big 2-8 tomorrow. Yeah! So we are headed out of town for a weekend of relaxation, tanning, hiking, boating and camp fire smores.

I need this weekend away from the world quite badly. I need to get my head straightened (haha, funny cause I’m not what you would call “straight”) out. Yesterday I signed the papers to legally not be my daughter’s mother anymore. The afternoon at work was miserable. Just miserable. I spent the second half of my work day just trying to not get caught crying at work. By last night, the weather outside was matching my internal storm perfectly.

This is so big. So huge. You know? You have a kid, and the assumption is that you are going to be that child’s parent forever. You can’t even fathom the day would come that you wouldn’t be. This is so big, right now I don’t even know where to begin. How do I process these feelings and this emotion? Honestly, I think this is one of those things in life that will permanently mark me. I also think it is one of those things that I will refuse to acknowledge until I am forced to. So IF I ever get pregnant again, I am going to have some deep fear issues and residual trauma to wade through before giving birth. But I don’t want to deal with it right now. I don’t even know how to.

I do know it has left me feeling very deflated and out of sorts this week leading up to yesterday. Especially today. I feel like a balloon that someone blew up, and then let go of. Just flying all over the place, getting smaller and less significant, until I am just a little hollow shell that lays back in the corner, forgotten.

So you combine this with finally admitting to myself that I am a lesbian, and my desire to move away from Nebraska, and you get a very unstable internal volcano. This sh*t is going to have to erupt and all come to the surface at some point. Hopefully, during the camping trip, I can “check out” from the world and start wading through this heaviness.

I would love to get back to town on Saturday and feel lighter. I want to know what I want, and how I plan on getting it. I want to talk to the boyfriend about everything that has been going on, but I don’t know how, or where to start. It would be a little easier if he would go on walks with me. I think the best, and process my thoughts and feelings best when I am moving, and we only ever do stationary things, like watching movies together. Or watching tv together. Or playing poker together. Come to think of it, we never do things that I like to do, together. We only do things he likes. Would it kill him to go walking with me, or biking? No, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Oh well. One more thing to think about.

Can I reasonably expect this relationship to change so that BOTH of us feel fulfilled? Or will I always feel like I am the one trying to make him happy? I don’t want gifts. I don’t need “love tokens”. I want time. I want him to help clean so I don’t feel like it is all on my shoulders. I want him to want to go hiking and camping with me, to go rock climbing, to go to the beach (if we had a beach), to go horse back riding(if we had horses, god I wish we had horses). I hate that he is so busy in the summer that he only has time for his stupid baseball/softball/basketball/poker games. I understand that these things make him happy, and I want him to be happy. But he gets so busy that he doesn’t have time for us, other than the occasional movie at the theater. Where is the equality?

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