Stop Doubting Me, Me!

17 06 2008

Date: June 16 and June 17

Mileage: 4.4 & 4.4

June Mileage: 69.8

Year to Date Mileage: 402.8 (!!!)

Temp/Weather: 70s, sunny

 

I have been experiencing a lot of self doubt the last week. I was so sure of some things just a week ago, that don’t feel right now. Maybe that’s wrong, they still feel right in my heart, but my brain is raining down the guilt and doubt that my my heart is lacking an umbrella for.

It looks like my parental rights to my daughter will be officially terminated this week. It is a very bittersweet moment, one that I have been fighting back tears over. It is great and wonderful for my daughter. She is very happy with her new mommy, and it isn’t like I’m a horrible person that the court thinks shouldn’t be around her kid or anything. This was a very difficult adult decision that I had to make in order to ensure the continued health and happiness of a child that I had too young. I am not sure I will ever be old enough to be a proper parent. I fantasize about what it would be like, but I know that I am not ready to be the kind of parent that can raise a child into a wonderful adult. I might be someday. But definately not right now.

Besides, my ex’s new wife is the kind of mom I always wanted to be, and my ex is very lucky to have found such a wonderful woman. I know that my daughter loves her, I can see it in the pictures. I know that she would lay down her life for my daughter, I can hear it in her voice when she talks about her. I know that when she officially adopts Susie*, it will be a very happy day for them. But it doesn’t make it any easier on my heart. I haven’t talked to Susie in months. Not since I made the decision to let them adopt her from me. I just can’t. If I hear her little sweet voice, I will want to back out of this decision. I want this to happen. But I am still human. I am still a mother. She is still my daughter. And I want them to get settled as a family, to talk to Susie, let it sink in that Erin* is Susie’s new mommy, before I come on the scene. In some ways, I want Susie to be mad at me about this, it will make it easier for her to embrace her new mom.

None of this is easy, and I really don’t need any lectures from any uptight jerk-offs that think they need to tell me that I am a horrible person for this. And I REALLY don’t need any sympathy. I am sick of hearing people say, in a sickeningly sweet, condescending tone, that “At least I am doing what’s right for Susie. But it must be SO hard for me. THEY could never do that.” I am not heartless. I am not. I love her enough to realize I am inadequate to do the job that needs to be done, and to recognize that some one else that already loves her is strong enough to do it.

Which brings me to my other doubts: Do I love him? Am I just having a rough patch in life, and wanting to escape? Do I really love her? Or is it just me fantasizing about escape again? Do I really want to buy a car? Or do I really want to bike this winter? I hate being cold. I hate feeling trapped. I hate being told what to do. I hate being thought of as not good enough because of some of the life choices I have made and will continue to make. I don’t want to change for you. I have tried to change and be the person you want me to be, and it is resulting in me rebelling like an angry teenager. Is that what you want? Do you want a “good” Jami for 9 months, and a “rebel” Jami for the other three months of the year? It’s not me “just getting the crazy out.” It is me feeling trapped, squashed, with no way out, but to piss you off. My heart says I can’t live my life like this forever. But my heart melts when I look in your eyes. When I am with her, I feel like I can be me, no matter who or what that is. And she makes me melt too. I am like a puppy dog around her. But mabe that’s just it, is it just puppy love?

I really need someone to slap me and tell me to stop second guessing myself. I need to follow my heart, even if it is the more difficult decision. The right decision isn’t always the easy one.

 

* I changed my daighter’s name and my ex’s wife’s name to better protect their privacy.

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One response

17 06 2008
yberry

Trust your instincts. You’ve already proven that you’re brave enough to make the right decision.

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