Now What?

4 06 2008

Date: June 4

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 15.4

Year to Date Mileage: 348.8

Temp/Weather: 80’s, moggy (muggy and foggy), a little rain drizzle

In my Mug: More water (Up to just about a liter a day)

 

The boyfriend is acting weird lately. Last night he was out until after 2 am. Who is out on a Tuesday until 2 am??? He supposedly went to a going away party, for a person he supposedly works with, whom I have never heard of, nor met. He says he passed out at a certain friends house. I tried calling him, texting him, and calling him for hours. I sent him a text saying, “Am I here thinking you are dead or injured in a ditch somewhere. Where are you?” He finally called me sometime around 2 am, and I think I might have b!tched him out in my half awake/half asleep state. He deserved it.

Okay, so something is obviously up. No surprise there. But here is my shocking, honest, opinion. I don’t care. If he wants to be out until 2 am on a work night, and miss work the next day because he is hung over, that’s on him. If he isn’t actually going to parties, but is out having a “party”, whatever. But he needs to tell me so I can insist on him wearing protection, if you catch my drift.

This relationship is not destined for marital bliss. Anyone that breaks up and gets back together 4 times in 3 years, well, it’s probably not meant to be. I don’t think he is my forever mate, I think he is someone that I need in my life at the present moment. But I don’t see myself growing old and feeble with him.

We are too different, and we are both sort of set in our ways. I am the nerdy, hippy, wanna-be-earth-mother type, and he is the geeky, techy, modern-design type. I want my mess out where I can see it, so I can find what I need. He likes everything super organized and perfectly clean. I start and stop projects until I feel it is perfected, then I finish it, finally. (I’ve been pondering making soap for 5(!) years). I want at least one kid, but I am an anti-vaccine, homeschool-favoring, organic eating, gardening, hanging the laundry out to dry, cloth diapering, non-circumsizing type. And I won’t have kids if I can’t raise them that way. He, well, he’s of the opposite oppinion, again.

The next two-three (hopefully two) years are going to be really tough. I am going to have to change a lot on the inside to feel strong enough to move away. Life is easy, predictable and comfy now. It is hard to leave easy, comfy, and predictable for new, unknown, and unpredictable. But I know that I will do it. I have two years to prepare myself: pay my bills, figure out where I am going, how I am going, what I will do, save my money, and convince myself it will be alright.

I remind myself of the little details in my day to day life that will be different, and how I want them to change. And when I say the little things, I mean the little things. Like, hanging my laundry outside to dry, and having a pot rack to hang my pots from in the kitchen, instead of shoving them into a cupboard. Not owning a television, harvesting rainwater for the garden. Having chickens, sheep, goats, and a horse. And being able to make my bed when I wake up in the morning, or going for a long bike ride in the afternoon just because I feel like it, instead of having to come straight home to make dinner and have it ready by 6:30. And being able to organize my bathroom countertop just right, and having hard floors that I never, ever have to vacuum again. I’ll have a pet door so my dogs can come and go during the day, and I’ll be able to leave dog food out for Loki since he nibbles throughout the day instead of gulping it down in 2.5 seconds.

It’s in the little details that we find home, life, and satisfaction. It has nothing to do with which car we drive, how big our McMansion is, if we shop at Goodwill or on Rodeo Drive, Whole Foods or Safeway. Those are all just things.

Life is not made up of things, it is made up of moments, and it’s the little moments that accumulate into a lifetime.

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One response

4 06 2008
A fan

good for you. it really sounds like he is up to no good. i hope soon you will find the strength to go out on your own and do your own thing. you are unique and should live your life on your own terms.

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