Where the Wild Things Aren’t

29 05 2008

Date: May 28 and May 29

Mileage: 4.7 & 4.4

May Mileage: 118.9

Year to Date Mileage: 326.5

Temp/Weather: 65F, cloudy/83F, windy, chance of severe thunderstorms

In My Mug: Agua

 

All day long I have been thinking on what to make todays main blog about. The weather is getting riled up, and that usually stirs up some pretty crazy emotions in me. There is just something about wind, and thunder and lightening that makes me feel, uh, a little wild. I can’t wait to ride my bike home. I hope it is not just raining, but pouring, dumping buckets outside. I want to ride my bike home in aweful weather.

When I get to feeling wild like this, I get so restless. I get up and move around more. I jiggle my legs, twirl my hair, play with pens, doodle, and daydream. I must move around, only, I am usually strapped to a desk, chair or couch.

But I have been thinking a lot more than I used to (active body=active mind). I think a lot about what I want out of life. What are my dreams, fears, hopes and ambitions?

I have this fear that I am getting sucked into this life that is increasingly comfortable, and equally hard to get away from. It is what I pictured my life would be like, 20 years from now. I never imagined I would be 26 and living the life that I am living. I have begun feeling very trapped lately. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to yell at someone to stop this ride, and let me off. I got in the wrong line, and ended up on the wrong ride. I need this to stop, now.

I dream of being a bike bum someday. In this dream, I would get a second job, and spend every penny of the money I earn at that second job paying my debt off even faster. As soon as that debt is paid off (18 months, to be exact), I would start socking all that money into a savings account. Every penny. After 9 months of saving, pairing down what I own to next to nothing, and buying cycling gear from the money I earned selling off my possessions, I would hit the road. I would have Loki with me, a knitting project, a spinning project, a digital recorder, a camera, a journal, my laptop, and camping gear (plus toiletries, clothes, dog food, etc.) At some point, I would have aquired an Xtracycle to haul all this gear on. Because all my debts are paid, I have no need for income other than basic living expenses. I have enough money in my savings to live comfortably, albeit minimally, for quite a while. I would get on my bike, and start riding west.

I would hit Denver in about a week. Then Vegas in another week and a half. From Vegas, I would start ambling towards Sacramento, making there in about a week. From Sacramento, I would head over to San Francisco, and then I would start making my way north along the Pacific Coast Highway. From here, I am not sure where I would stop. I would seriously consider stopping at the United Bicycle Institute, depending on my timing, to take the Pro Mechanincs course. That means I would be there, where ever “there” is, for about 3-4 weeks. I am sure, being “homeless” I would be inclined to find a place to work a little bit. From there, it would be time to look north again. My ultimate goal would be to end up in Sitka, Alaska. I want to see where I was born. I know I could take a ferry from Bellingham Washington to Alaska. I don’t think I would stay in Alaska, it would be too cold and gray for me there. But UBI always has job listings for it’s graduates. And since they are the best, and people aren’t clamoring to be wrenches, I don’t think finding work would be an issue. I would like to eventually end up somewhere that is bike friendly, warm, with mountains, and cheap land. I see myself buying a plot of land and building my little cob house and studio, and being a single lady, well into my future.

In the life I am living, I want marriage and children, but deep down, in my gut and in my heart, I know that would destroy me. My true self, my inner self, does not want marriage and children, she wants freedom, a bike, her dog, and the open road. So I go through this internal struggle on an almost hourly basis some days, of I want marriage and children, no I don’t, yes I do. It never ceases. If I stay cushy, comfy and “happy”, I will end up married, I will end up with kids. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it would end up being the end of my dreams. i would end up some disgruntled soccer mom drinking wine with lunch, yelling at her kids, and taking her passive agressive anger out on her husband. (I was this person before, I can’t go back, it would be like going back to prison). But the alternative is almost as scary. Walk away from everything I know, just because I need it, even if I don’t know where I would end up, and even if I don’t know what “it” is.

I don’t want to be restrained and tied down by marriage. But my life has a wonderful partner in it right now; but when I think of the future, I always see myself alone. I am a loner. I LIKE being alone. I like having the freedom to do what I want, when I want, where I want. I want to be able to pick up and go camping for a week if I feel like it. I want to be able to live my life my way. Is that selfish? Perhaps, but it is honest. The only person I am not being honest with is my partner. I need to tell him how I feel, but I don’t want to ruin a good thing, either. Is there any way to have both?

The problem, as I see it, isn’t that I see myself alone someday, but that I don’t want to be alone right now. How do I tell someone I love him, I want him in my life, but not for forever. No one wants to be in a dead end relationship. So who is really being unfair here? Not him. Deffinately not him.

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