Losing It Restlessly or a Day With ADD

28 04 2008

Date: April 28, 2008

Mileage: 4.0

April Mileage: 98

Year to Date Mileage: 196

RAGBRAI: I don’t care anymore, because I’m not going this year

In My Mug: Water

 

I have a headache. I’ve had a headache since I arrived at work today. I have been getting headaches at work more frequently. I think I need to break down and see the optometrist and get some reading glasses. I had glasses a while ago, but they mysteriously disappeared somewhere between home and work. But I am pretty sure that the florescent lights, the fuzzy radio music, and staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day is causing my headaches. I hate headaches, because the only things that works for me to get rid of them is to be in a dark quiet room until they go away. The world’s most obnoxious song is on the radio right now. Coupled with my headache and my restlessness, I’m pretty sure the radio is about to go through a flippin window. Can this man sing some other verse besides “Say what you need to say…”? Sheesh, shut up already.

 

I am cranky, and I am pretty sure it’s because I get paid in a couple of days. Payday stresses me out more than any other day of the month. I have all these things I need to buy, like food, pet food, pay bills, coupled with all the things my ADD* addled brain tells me that I need right now, and you get a stressed out Jami. I know I don’t need all that stuff, but my mind latches onto it, and somewhere deep within, I start thinking “I’m going to need it at some point, so why not buy it now while you are thinking about it?” I’ve been like this my whole life, and it is so frustrating. I need to find a way to live with myself, a way to live with a budget, and a way to let go of things. Writing them down doesn’t help all that much, because I always lose my notes.

 

I lose everything. I lost my license, literally, I don’t know where it is. I lose my car key, I’ve lost my cell phone, my shoes, my glasses, my sunglasses, my purse, my garage door opener, yarn, knitting projects, drawing pencils, spices for cooking, vitamins. You name it. If it’s small enough to fit in my hand and put down somewhere without thinking about it, I will generally lose it.

 

Anyone that reads my blog knows that I have ambitious aspirations. I want to build custom bikes, I want to work from home, I want to garden and cook all our meals from scratch. I want to pay all my debt off in the next five years (not impossible, either, I have about $15K in debt, including back taxes and student loans). My problem comes with prioritizing all these things. I can only focus on one thing at a time, so I always have this thread of fear and doubt in the back of my mind that I am going to forget to do the other things I want to do, so I buy shit I don’t need as a reminder to myself so I don’t forget. I wonder if I found a way to treat my ADD if I would be more stable and less “now or never”.

 

I fear ADD treatment would change me though. I have heard both sides of that story. There are the people that love being on ADD meds, as it changed them into a stable, happy, FOCUSED person. Then there are the people who hated being on meds because they felt out of it and drugged. What type would I be? Am I willing to risk feeling “drugged” in order to try feeling focused? What if it’s both, drugged and focused? Then how do I choose? What about side effects? These are tough questions, because we are talking about my quality of life. But I am so sick of feeling scatter brained. I want to feel focused and normal. I’m willing to give up the “creative genius streak” that is supposedly a trait of having ADD. I don’t feel creatively genius, I feel stupid for always losing things, and not having a budget, and always being broke. I feel stupid for not being able to follow any task through to completion. I get bored or sidetracked halfway through, and quit. And then come back to it, and then quit, and then…

 

This all culminates in me feeling extremely restless with my life, ready to throw it all away, ready to quit and leap at the chance to do something new and different. It culminates in me never feeling satisfied because I can’t focus and finish. My life feels like crap because I can’t finish what I started. I need to call a doctor. One that will listen to me about my mental health issues. I need a doctor to believe me when I say I have issues that need to be treated. F*ck, I hate doctors. I just don’t think holistic treatment will work this time. What is the holistic treatment for a mental illness? A brain transplant? Does it come with new memories? New skills? It might not be so bad.

 

* I did NOT jump on the ADD bandwagon, either. Sadly, we have nice long list of mental health issues that run in my family. My dad is severly bi-polar, ADD, and with several substance addictions. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the past, but the wellbutrin they put me on in the past made me suicidal, so I refuse to to anti-depressants any more. I prefer fresh air, good food, and exercise. Maybe I need to give it another try. Sad.  :(

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