This is Why I Suck:

24 04 2008

Well, I really, really think that I don’t want to do RAGBRAI after all. I mean, I do, but I don’t. I think it would be a blast, but think of all that I could get done if I just took a week off of work and puttered around the house. But riding across Iowa with Loki would be a huge accomplishment. I just don’t think it’s for me this year. I would rather have the price of the ticket back, not spend all that money on food, and not have to buy a bunch of supplies for it when what I really want to do is pay off my bills so I can start saving. I want to tear apart boyfriend’s bike and learn how to build a bike fro the ground up. Boyfriend is on board, but only if I get my stuff paid off first. I want to build bikes for a living, and I can’t do it as soon if I drop a bunch of money on a bike ride. If it was just a matter of the cost of the ticket, I’d be all for it. But it’s not. It’s all the little things that add up. And the one person I would want to do it with, refuses. AND, I would miss his first gig as a lead singer in a band. I can’t miss that. I love his voice; I want to hear him sing for a whole night. That is much more important to me.


So, what to do? Wait in agony for another week to see if I didn’t get picked in the RAGBRAI lottery. That would be easiest; otherwise I will have to find someone to buy my ticket. The good news is that I was planning on biking solo, so anyone that buys my ticket (if I get it) that wants to be part of a team can do it. I hate that I am so indecisive. I wanted to do the ride at the time, but it isn’t important to me, it just sounds like fun.


I am so ready to go look at my budget tracker. I did a bad job of it this pay period. I blew it, on groceries, of all things. But I understand I am going to have a rough patch here and there while I fine tune this budget thing. It sucks. Why are important life skills like balancing a check book and making a realistic budget not pounded into kids’ heads from the age of 14 through college? I learned how to budget from my mom, and she was the person who “floated” checks to make meager paychecks stretch. Checks don’t “float” anymore.


The bad news is it seems I am constantly overdrawing my checking account. The good news is better: Overdrawing my account teaches me where my money NEEDS to go, and what is frivolous, and each time I f*** up, I am more resolved to get it right next time. I am so sick of being broke. I want to follow my dreams. I want to not be counting down the days until my next pay day. I want to not be able to remember the last time my account overdrew. The other good news is that even though I have a negative balance in my account, I am not living off of credit cards in the interim, I just suck it up and do without. So I am technically not living beyond my means, I am just do a really sh*** job of living on what I have.


Part of the problem is that I am SO desperate to get my bills paid off, that I am budgeting too much towards them, and not leaving enough money for day to day expenses, like cereal when boyfriend runs out, or lunch when I forget mine. Someone smack me, and then sit down with me and show me how to get this right. It is such a very painful learning process. L


The only time someone tried to show me how to do this was in 8th grade, when our teacher gave us all $1,000,000 theoretical dollars, and had us put together a report showing how we would spend it all. Seriously? How about something a little more realistic?? And consistent! This is something that should be taught, and taught, and taught, every year from 7th grade through high school, at the minimum.


It is hard to not feel disappointed in myself over something that I am just learning. I wouldn’t be mad at myself if I was learning some other new skill, like archery, or diving. But this is so much more personal, it’s my quality of life, it’s the quality of my boyfriend’s life when he relies on me to help out financially, and I drop the ball. It’s a pretty sucky feeling. Hopefully I can start to get this big cluster f*** straightened out, starting today.



One response

24 04 2008

Nah, you don’t suck. Best to get your stuff straightened out before trekking across Iowa. You probably will get chosen in the lottery, because there are very few who aren’t. In any case, you’ll be able to sell your ticket without a problem.

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