Why am I awake at 2:30 a.m.?

16 11 2007

It is the night before my court date. I am scared, nervous, excited, angry and super pissed off. I woke about 2 am, and I can’t get back to sleep. Well let me back up. Yesterday, Scott was still asleep when I left for work. After work, he left a voicemail about 5:30 saying he was headed home, but he was going to stop for a few drinks with some of his work buddies and he would be home by 6:30. So I made dinner, and waited for him to come home. By 9 0r 10, I started to think he wasn’t coming home, and I had a bad headache, so I was crankier than I would have been. I called, told him I was angry and that he should stay out as late as possible. Well, he apparently took me at my word. I think he got home about 1 am. I was out by that point. I went to bed at 11:30, tired of WAITING. He came home stinking drunk. I know this because he left lights on in the house, which is ultimately what woke me up. I made the rounds, turning everything off, and I find that he wasn’t content to just come home and pass out, he had to surf the web for porn. Additionally, his car REEKS of booze, and I am pretty sure that he had someone else in the car with him. Why? Why now? Am I so horrible that he has to completely avoid me, get wasted on a thursday night, look at porn when he gets home instead of waking me up to talk? I didn’t see him at all yesterday, and I talked to him for a total of 5 minutes. Add insult to injury, the dog is spooning him, so I couldn’t even snuggle up when I woke up to find him passed out in bed next to me. It is 2:38. I want to sleep. I have court at 8 am. I am so upset I am pacing throughout my house. I am so wound up, I don’t know if I will be able to get back to sleep. Perhaps tonight I will just go with it, follow the rhythm of the insomniacs dance. Tomorrow, I will be confronting Scott. I refuse to be second best. Going out for a couple of drinks with the guys is one things, coming home drunk at 1 am and then looking at porn is a whole other category as far as I am concerned.

Am I being unreasonable? I don’t think so, but maybe I am. This whole court thing is stressful for both of us, it doesn’t affect just me.

I feel like I am full of unshed tears. I have felt this way since last night. I even watched programs that I thought would make me cry. No luck. You know that achy feeling way in the back of your throat, down by your heart? That is where my tears feel stuck. I don’t know how to loosen the dam, but I need to, or I am going to explode. I start thinking about crying, and my eyes start to sting a little, and then I think about crying a bit more, and I feel ridiculous, and it goes back down. But that lump in my throat just keeps getting bigger and harder every time I swallow back down those tears. It is a horrible feeling. I don’t want to get in the habit of repressing my emotions though. I just don’t know how to break free from this cycle.

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