Just when you think…

19 09 2007

You know, processing emotions is an ongoing process. Just when you think you have mastered sad, or angry, or happy, or any other emotion, something new comes up. Or like a cold, I catch a new version of an old emotion, and have to go through the process of processing it all over again.

I was fine until I learned that my ex-husband has won his motion for me to have “limited visitation” and “supervised visitation” with my daughter. How much does that suck? I feel like a criminal, and I haven’t done anything wrong. It makes me so angry! When I found out from my lawyer (3 days after court) I was speechless. What do I do now? Have I lost completely? I can’t possible have supervised visitation with her until she is 18, can I? So I did the only thing that I could think of. I packed up her bedroom. All of her stuff is now in a box at the back of her closet. I haven’t called.I have to distance myself for the moment, otherwise I will be completely overcome with grief. This is his way of punishing me for finding out that they live in Omaha. It is the only way that I can see it for right now. He claims that I sexually abused her when she was with me for the weekend. I did no such thing, and it turned out that she had vaginitis, otherwise known as a yeast infection. But the judge would hear nothing beyond “sexual abuse.”

I feel like I am spiraling towards the bottom of an abyss. And that I am lost at sea, and my life is the deserted island. I feel so alone and scared. I have an a**hole for an ex-husband, whose sole goal in life is to make me miserable by keeping me from my daughter, I am unemployed and tired of mooching off of my boyfriend, and my lawyer is basically ignoring me and letting my case fall through the cracks because I can’t pay him right now. So what am I to do? I do what I must. I keep asking my boyfriend to pay my bills, I keep applying for jobs and going to interviews, and I take what I can get with my daughter, and I try to remember that I am not a bad person. Even if the world is set on punishing me (or maybe it is Karma biting me in the ass), I must keep hoping and moving forward. Otherwise I will drown in a sea of misery.

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