I am sorry.

14 09 2007

I am sorry that it has taken me so long to post. Things in my life have been crazy like a tornado in middle of a hurricane during an earthquake! I am still looking for permanent employment. Unfortunately, I was “laid off” from my last job at the orthodontics office after 1 day. I had an emergency come up, I knew about it the night before and called work to let them know. The next morning, my boss took me into her office and told me that she thought I wasn’t committed enough to the job, and that she was going to have to let me go. I was more than I little upset, and spent most of the day alternately between sleeping and crying.

It has been a hard few weeks. I found out that my ex-husband has been living in Omaha with our daughter for the last 9-10 months. The whole time they were here he led me to believe that she and he were living in Oregon and Washington. I have been so upset over that, you have no idea.

The last 3 weeks my emotions have been all over the map. But the predominating emotion had been anger until I went in and talked to my pastor. He gave me some insight that I had not been able to see. I was able to finally see the forest for the trees. My goal is to now take this one moment at a time.

I say one moment because sometimes one day is to long to get through. I miss my daughter so much. To know that she is only 15 minutes away is like waiting for surgery to have a limb re-attached.

I want my daughter to be a bigger part of my life. It isn’t complicated until it is made complicated. I love her. She loves me. I think of her like a million times a day. I can remember the first time I felt her in my belly. It was like I had some pop rocks in my womb. It was like a tickle. I kept it a secret for more than a week. I remember the conversations I would have with her when I was still pregnant. I swear she could hear my thoughts. I remember her favorite song when I was pregnant. My first “weird” craving was for teriyaki chicken skewers from a restaurant that was 4 states away. For more than a month, all I wanted to eat was tomatoes with basil on crunchy bread. She always got the hiccups after I ate a large meal. And when she stretched out, I could see the exact outline of her foot. And then she was born. It was the pinnacle event of my life. It was everything and nothing like I expected it to be. I look back at that version of me, and I wish that I could talk to her. I would tell her some things that would save her a lot of pain. But perhaps she wouldn’t have grown up if I had saved her from an inevitable future.

The first few weeks and months of Isabelle’s life are more blurry in my memory than my pregnancy. Sleep deprivation can really wreck havoc on a person’s memory. I remember that she never wanted to be put down, and that I was okay with it. I was like a mommy tiger, never letting her out of my sight. She would sit in her bouncy chair in the bathroom while I was in the shower so I could keep her near.

I remember the night her father took sleeping pills, and I was so scared and angry. He hadn’t told me he was going to do that, and I couldn’t wake him up in the middle of the night. We both think that he took them for different reasons. But he never did it again. I also remember when our water heater blew up, and shortly after that, we found out that our rental had the worst case of termites/carpenter ants that the exterminator had ever seen.

I remember what a strange surprise it was the first time I tried to breastfeed our daughter. I had never felt anything like that before. I felt funny and different and good all at the same time. I remember that as soon as she latched on, I felt like I had been in the desert for weeks without anything to drink; I was that thirsty.

I remember how agonizing it was when we decided to teach her to sleep in her own crib. She screamed and screamed. I thought I was doing the right thing. I know better now. She is a big girl now.

This is what I remember most. These are the picture memories in my mind. Sure, there are lots of things I remember. But these are some of the things that I remember most vividly. I wish I had kept a journal when she was a baby. A journal just about her and I. Sure, I made a baby book. And I still periodically write letters to her that I plan on giving to her someday. But I should have kept a daily journal for her. What we did that day, what she learned or tried. It would be her story, from my perspective. But it is never to late to start.

I am sorry to burden you with my memories. They really aren’t special to you. They don’t invoke smiles or warm cozy feelings in anyone but me. But sometimes I worry that if I don’t get it out, I won’t remember for the next time.

I am sorry to my daughter for having missed the last 10 months. It wasn’t my fault. I cried a lot because I thought you were so far away. Now we have each other again. It might not be a lot of time right now, but it is better than nothing. And it will get better. You will grow up so fast. And all of this will just be a blip of a memory.

I love you Isabelle. You are my little princess. And I will always be here for you.

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