“Have To” or “Get To”

My mom sent me this this morning. I thought I would share it with you, as her timing couldn’t be better for me.

 

“Have to” or “Get to”, by Jon Gordon

Who knew that two simple words could change one’s mindset, perspective and approach to work and life? Just two words have the potential to enhance joy, productivity, performance and change a complaining voice to an appreciative heart.

So often we say things like, “I have to take the kids to practice.” “I have to go to this meeting.” “I have to finish this project.” “I have to go to work today.” “I have to take care of this customer.” “I have to share this new information with my team.” “I have to see my family this weekend.”

We act as if we don’t have a choice. As if we are imprisoned by a paycheck and the expectations of a world that forces us to do thing we don’t want to do. But in reality we do have a choice. We can choose our attitude and our actions. We can choose how we view our life and work. We can realize that every day is a gift. It’s not about what we have to do. It’s about what we get to do.

We get to live this life while so many have left this world far too early. We get to drive in traffic while so many are too sick to drive a car. We get to go to a job while so many are unemployed. We get to raise our children even if they drive us nuts at times. :) We get to interact with our employees and customers and make a difference in their life. We get to use our gifts and talents to make a product or provide a service. We get to eat three meals a day while millions of people are starving. We get to work on projects, answer phone calls, serve customers, participate in meetings, design, create, share, sell, lead and suit up every day for the game of life.

Yes there will be challenges and life isn’t easy but each day we wake up we get another opportunity to make today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. We get to uplift, inspire, encourage, and impact others. We get to live this life. Let’s make the most of it by remembering that life is a gift not an obligation.

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Remembered Memories

Date: June 23, 2008

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 87.4

Year to Date Mileage: 420.4

 

It’s kind of funny. You don’t ever realize you have repressed or forgotten a memory until you remember it.

That happened to me this morning on my walk with Loki. I was thinking back to when I first realized I liked girls, but didn’t realize it was “wrong”. I was suddenly hit with this memory of my best friend from 4th grade, I think. It might have been third grade. But she lived through these “woods”. We would take this path to each others house. She was Puerto Rican, very exotic to a third grader from Puyallup, Washington. We had this big fenced in area that my dad’s girlfriend was planning on turning into a garden. I remember my friend and I playing in that area. I wanted to build us a house in there. It would be our own little house, with a little fenced in yard. When that fell through, we started getting supplies together so I could build us a house off the wooded path.

Somewhere along the way, I lost contact with her, and found a new best friend. This best friend thought it was strange for me to want to build a house, that was what BOYS did. Girls made houses pretty. She never said to me directly, but insinuated, that it was wierd for me to like girls, and that I should like boys, like her. That was when I began to deny that I liked girls. I always had crushes on my best friends, checked out other girls, bought presents for the girls I had crushes on. But I only dated boys.

Eventually, I got to the point where I didn’t even remember that I had liked girls. And then I started digging into myself. Refusing to settle for “good enough.” At some point, I am going to have to have some difficult discussions. Most likely sooner than later. But for right now, I am just happy to have remembered something about my childhood that reaffirms who I am.

Pics!

My new earrings. Well, for the next two months, until I move up to an 8 gauge earring. I bought them on Etsy from Glass Heart Studio. Check her out, she does amazing work!

The world’s hottest kiss. Nuff said.

Catnip stuffed knitted/felted hearts. Aren’t they cute? She said she gave her cats one of these, and put the rest up in a cabinet when she went to bed. She said the next morning, she woke up, went to the kitchen, and the cabinet door was open, the box was chewed up, the tissue paper shredded, and the catnip toys were gone. It’s Cosmic Catnip, cats goes extra nuts for that stuff.

My gay hearts at work. I made my sister a second set; I am going to make them into a garland for her to hang on her wall.

Boat dog!

Me and the puppy, relaxing on the pontoon.

Big catch of the day.

My bff, working on her sun burn.

Bathroom Pervert

Before I leave you all for the weekend, I thought I would share an interesting moment that I had in the bathroom at work earlier.

I was the only person in the bathroom, doing my “business.” I heard the door open, and some guy  poked his head in and said, in a very “Here’s Daddy!” type of voice like from The Shining:

“I can hear you taking a sh*t in here. Does it feel good, honey?”

Then I hear the door close, and running steps either down the hall, or up the stairs.

I was completely stunned. My coworkers asked me what I said. Uh, nothing. I was stunned into total silence for a good five minutes before I confessed to my boss what had happened.

I didn’t see the guy, all I can say is he sounded like he was mid-thirties to late-forties in age. I told my boss so he could say something to the building manager. My hope is that if this sicko works in the building, and he is doing this to other women, he will be caught.

What a WIERD way to end my already quite odd week.

Watch out for the bathroom pervs.

Yo yo yo

Date: June 18, 19, & 20

Mileage: 4.4, 4.4, & 4.4

June Mileage: 83

Year to Date Mileage: 416

 On my iPod: Old 97’s “Buick City Complex”

Looks like I am out of here this afternoon. Not that it comes as any big surprise to me, just to you. I am going camping this weekend with my best friend. She is turning the big 2-8 tomorrow. Yeah! So we are headed out of town for a weekend of relaxation, tanning, hiking, boating and camp fire smores.

I need this weekend away from the world quite badly. I need to get my head straightened (haha, funny cause I’m not what you would call “straight”) out. Yesterday I signed the papers to legally not be my daughter’s mother anymore. The afternoon at work was miserable. Just miserable. I spent the second half of my work day just trying to not get caught crying at work. By last night, the weather outside was matching my internal storm perfectly.

This is so big. So huge. You know? You have a kid, and the assumption is that you are going to be that child’s parent forever. You can’t even fathom the day would come that you wouldn’t be. This is so big, right now I don’t even know where to begin. How do I process these feelings and this emotion? Honestly, I think this is one of those things in life that will permanently mark me. I also think it is one of those things that I will refuse to acknowledge until I am forced to. So IF I ever get pregnant again, I am going to have some deep fear issues and residual trauma to wade through before giving birth. But I don’t want to deal with it right now. I don’t even know how to.

I do know it has left me feeling very deflated and out of sorts this week leading up to yesterday. Especially today. I feel like a balloon that someone blew up, and then let go of. Just flying all over the place, getting smaller and less significant, until I am just a little hollow shell that lays back in the corner, forgotten.

So you combine this with finally admitting to myself that I am a lesbian, and my desire to move away from Nebraska, and you get a very unstable internal volcano. This sh*t is going to have to erupt and all come to the surface at some point. Hopefully, during the camping trip, I can “check out” from the world and start wading through this heaviness.

I would love to get back to town on Saturday and feel lighter. I want to know what I want, and how I plan on getting it. I want to talk to the boyfriend about everything that has been going on, but I don’t know how, or where to start. It would be a little easier if he would go on walks with me. I think the best, and process my thoughts and feelings best when I am moving, and we only ever do stationary things, like watching movies together. Or watching tv together. Or playing poker together. Come to think of it, we never do things that I like to do, together. We only do things he likes. Would it kill him to go walking with me, or biking? No, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. Oh well. One more thing to think about.

Can I reasonably expect this relationship to change so that BOTH of us feel fulfilled? Or will I always feel like I am the one trying to make him happy? I don’t want gifts. I don’t need “love tokens”. I want time. I want him to help clean so I don’t feel like it is all on my shoulders. I want him to want to go hiking and camping with me, to go rock climbing, to go to the beach (if we had a beach), to go horse back riding(if we had horses, god I wish we had horses). I hate that he is so busy in the summer that he only has time for his stupid baseball/softball/basketball/poker games. I understand that these things make him happy, and I want him to be happy. But he gets so busy that he doesn’t have time for us, other than the occasional movie at the theater. Where is the equality?

Them Gays Is Gettin’ Hitched

This is terrible! Horrible! Aweful! I mean, the gays already are allowed to be legal domestic partners in California, how could they possibly want more? Isn’t domestic partnership enough for these people? The next thing you know, they are going to want to drink out of the same water fountain as heterosexuals, and they are going to want to stay seated at the front of the bus when a heterosexual wants their seat. Now that the gays can get legally married in California, our children are going to want to be gay, they are going to think it’s ok to be gay. How far from the truth that is. If the gays want to get married so badly, why don’t they just marry someone of the opposite sex? Then they can marry someone they don’t really like, just like the rest of America. And just like we know newborns can’t feel pain, it’s not like gay people are truly capable of feeling emotion. They don’t really love each other, it’s just a sick perversion that can be cured by shock therapy, or religion. I mean, what’s more disgusting than two people that love each other regardless of whether or not their equipment matches.

And while I am on the subject of disgusting things, have you heard Katy Perry’s new song “I Kissed A Girl”? How dare the radios play this song! It is teaching girls to be lesbians. Little girls are going to listen to this, and think it is ok to kiss other girls, and to enjoy kissing other girls because they have tasty cherry chapstick, all because some singer is singing about it to a fast, entertaining beat.

But the worst part about all of this? People actually feel, believe, and think this way about gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transexuals. And there are some people that are thinking “fine, they can get married, but they have to stay in California. I don’t want married gays in MY neighborhood. My kids won’t grow up gay if I shelter them from it.”

I am happy for them. All of them. I am happy because maybe someday my sister will be able to marry the woman she loves. I am happy because some people get it, that love can’t be contained, that love is a spectrum of people and sexuality. That life is fluid.

I hope this isn’t the end of the road though. I would like to see gay marriage federally protected. I want to know that America is done letting religion decide its politics. But I just don’t think that will happen in my lifetime.

My proclamation? I am queer. Deal with it. I am a peopleian. I love people, regardless of their sex, gender, race, hair color, eye color, or foot size. Someday, I may fall in love with a woman and want to marry her. If that day ever comes, I hope marriage is a choice I can make for myself, not something that is regulated by the government. Today it is an option, hopefully it will remain an option past November.

Stop Doubting Me, Me!

Date: June 16 and June 17

Mileage: 4.4 & 4.4

June Mileage: 69.8

Year to Date Mileage: 402.8 (!!!)

Temp/Weather: 70s, sunny

 

I have been experiencing a lot of self doubt the last week. I was so sure of some things just a week ago, that don’t feel right now. Maybe that’s wrong, they still feel right in my heart, but my brain is raining down the guilt and doubt that my my heart is lacking an umbrella for.

It looks like my parental rights to my daughter will be officially terminated this week. It is a very bittersweet moment, one that I have been fighting back tears over. It is great and wonderful for my daughter. She is very happy with her new mommy, and it isn’t like I’m a horrible person that the court thinks shouldn’t be around her kid or anything. This was a very difficult adult decision that I had to make in order to ensure the continued health and happiness of a child that I had too young. I am not sure I will ever be old enough to be a proper parent. I fantasize about what it would be like, but I know that I am not ready to be the kind of parent that can raise a child into a wonderful adult. I might be someday. But definately not right now.

Besides, my ex’s new wife is the kind of mom I always wanted to be, and my ex is very lucky to have found such a wonderful woman. I know that my daughter loves her, I can see it in the pictures. I know that she would lay down her life for my daughter, I can hear it in her voice when she talks about her. I know that when she officially adopts Susie*, it will be a very happy day for them. But it doesn’t make it any easier on my heart. I haven’t talked to Susie in months. Not since I made the decision to let them adopt her from me. I just can’t. If I hear her little sweet voice, I will want to back out of this decision. I want this to happen. But I am still human. I am still a mother. She is still my daughter. And I want them to get settled as a family, to talk to Susie, let it sink in that Erin* is Susie’s new mommy, before I come on the scene. In some ways, I want Susie to be mad at me about this, it will make it easier for her to embrace her new mom.

None of this is easy, and I really don’t need any lectures from any uptight jerk-offs that think they need to tell me that I am a horrible person for this. And I REALLY don’t need any sympathy. I am sick of hearing people say, in a sickeningly sweet, condescending tone, that “At least I am doing what’s right for Susie. But it must be SO hard for me. THEY could never do that.” I am not heartless. I am not. I love her enough to realize I am inadequate to do the job that needs to be done, and to recognize that some one else that already loves her is strong enough to do it.

Which brings me to my other doubts: Do I love him? Am I just having a rough patch in life, and wanting to escape? Do I really love her? Or is it just me fantasizing about escape again? Do I really want to buy a car? Or do I really want to bike this winter? I hate being cold. I hate feeling trapped. I hate being told what to do. I hate being thought of as not good enough because of some of the life choices I have made and will continue to make. I don’t want to change for you. I have tried to change and be the person you want me to be, and it is resulting in me rebelling like an angry teenager. Is that what you want? Do you want a “good” Jami for 9 months, and a “rebel” Jami for the other three months of the year? It’s not me “just getting the crazy out.” It is me feeling trapped, squashed, with no way out, but to piss you off. My heart says I can’t live my life like this forever. But my heart melts when I look in your eyes. When I am with her, I feel like I can be me, no matter who or what that is. And she makes me melt too. I am like a puppy dog around her. But mabe that’s just it, is it just puppy love?

I really need someone to slap me and tell me to stop second guessing myself. I need to follow my heart, even if it is the more difficult decision. The right decision isn’t always the easy one.

 

* I changed my daighter’s name and my ex’s wife’s name to better protect their privacy.

Work Work, Busy Bee

Date: June 14

Mileage: 12.4

June Mileage: 61

Year to Date Mileage: 394.4

Temp/Weather: Upper 80’s, sunny

 

I made a bunch of little Mochi Mochi Land felted hearts Friday night, and spent a large part of Saturday morning felting them and sewing some of them together as a gift for a friend. Her hearts were filled with catnip instead of stuffing, as little catnip toys for her kitties.

I also made a rainbow’s worth of hearts for my younger sister. I still have to sew those together and stuff them, but I’m not in a rush. And I promise that tonight I will post pictures of the hearts. Tonight I am also going to finish my Crafty Alien clam, and get pictures of that posted. It only took me a couple of hours to get the clam knitted, and I got 34 heart halves knitted in a matter of hours. These small projects are so gratifying. It’s nice to start and finish a project so quickly!

Other good news: I am starting to get my supplies in for my etsy shop. Last night I was able to put together 5 top whirl drop spindles, made with red or black shafts, and red agate whorls. My boyfriend is making a jig for me so that I will be able to drill exactly in the center of the shafts so the eye hook will be centered; so my first batch of spindles should be finished this week. I also ordered supplies to make more drop spindles out of different stones. I should be getting my supplies for my sea themed stitch markers, and for my knitted sterling silver necklaces. And I am about halfway done with my felted messenger bag strap covers. AND, I have two knitted t-shirt area rugs done and ready to be listed, as soon as my shop is done being constructed.

Which brings me to the next items on my to-do list. I need to finish the final draft of my logo and scan it. Then I need to make an etsy shop banner, avatar, business cards and thank you cards with my logo. I will probably work on that tonight for a while, as I can’t get much more done with my products until my supplies arrive.

Murder on 156th Street

Date: June 13

Mileage: 11.2

June Mileage: 48.6

Year to Date Mileage: 382

Temp/Weather: Gorgeous, 70’s, sunny

 

So this morning I was at the entrance to my neighborhood, waiting for traffic to clear long enough to cross four lanes of traffic. Look left, look right, look right, look right, look left again, etc. So This big SUV pulls up next to me on my left, ignores me. I look left again, kind of creep out a little to see past the behemoth, and I notice movement on the pavement. So I look, thinking it’s a little leaf blowing around. It’s the right size and color to be a leaf. And then it dawned on me that it isn’t a leaf at all. It’s a mouse!

Somehow, this little mouse was able to cross all four lanes of traffic without getting run over. It was unbelievable. It was about 2 feet (at the most) from the median thing in our neighborhood entrance, you know, one of those “landscaped” things that make people think the neighborhood is fancier that it really is. Anyhow, little mouse got freaked out when it got close to the SUV, and it tried to hide under the car.

Here I am, watching this all unfold in slow motion. Mouse goes across street, mouse goes under car, traffic finally clears in the road. I am thinking mouse got far enough under the car to be safely rolled PAST. Nope. Damn SUV rolled right over the little guy. Literally squished him flat. Then the back tire rolled over him, as if to add insult to fatal injury. I felt so bad, I started crying. I got off my bike, walked over to him, watched him spasm in his little final moments of life, and then moved him into the mediam so more cars wouldn’t drive over his little body.

It was gruesome on such a small scale. I feel bad. I could have run in front of the SUV while it was still at a stop and coralled the mouse to safety, but I didn’t think the SUV would just drive over it. And I sort of thought they noticed the mouse, since he was so obvious to me.

I completely forgot they were in their rolling box of seperateness. Completely insulated from the world, they never even realized they took another living creatures life this morning. How aweful.

This is one more reason that I can’t go back to driving. How many small creatures have I killed with my car without even realizing it?