Because it’s a holiday, I had no work, so no bike ride. I do have a confession, and it’s one that MAY shock some of my readers. If I work with you, and you read this blog, AND you choose to read this post, DO NOT tell anyone that we work with what you just read. Please.

So anyhow. I turned in my letter of resignation last week. It sucked. I’ve never turned in a letter of resignation before. It sure made the fact that I’m moving more realistic.

For about three years, I moonlighted as an exotic dancer. It paid the bills when I was just getting on my feet after our seperation, and after our divorce. I was pretty irresponsible with my money, and for a long time, I didn’t really care if I lived or not. Fortunately, I had the u-b. He literally saved me from myself. I was always there for me, no matter the time, day or night. I never openly judged me, he just made sure I was safe. He finally convinced me to quit about 14 months ago.

Tonight I am going back. You can take that however you want to. The u-b was, well, almost devestated when I told him I was going back. I told him I was starting next week, and that I would only be working Fridays. I am actually starting tonight, and will be working Fridays and Saturdays for the next 7 or 8 weeks. However long I have before my train leaves.

Part of me is almost sick that I am going back to do this again. I really thought I never would. But here I am, counting down the hours until I need to start getting ready.

But another part, the dark sinister part, is REALLY excited to go back. I miss it. It was exciting. It made me feel powerful. It was an adreniline rush every time I got on the stage. I liked having all that attention. I liked having all that money.

I made anywhere from $800 - $2000 a week. There were noghts when I would make $1000, and not have to work for the rest of the week if I didn’t want to.  But on the down side, to the rest of the world, I was “just a stripper.” It made life difficult at times. It made it hard to get a normal job. It made it hard to finance a car. No pay stubs means you miss out on a lot of small benefits that are available to the rest of the world.

I am not sure if I will dance in Seattle or not. I am not ruling it out. I have a club picked out. I am good enough, that I can pretty much work in any clib that I want. That is not an ego statement, that is something I learned about myself along time ago. I have the body that men will pay to use. But I don’t feel taken advantage of. I never have. I feel like I am taking advantage of them. It is really a symbiotic relationship though.

I think I will end up working in a club in Seattle. I like living an alternative lifestyle. I feel so caged in by a 40 hour work week. I have learned some very important things by working at my current (day) job. I have learned how good it feels to pay my bills. I have learned how to save money, and how to put money away for my eventual retirement. I will never go without a job with a paycheck again. But it will probably be a retail job, with a schedule that changes. Or a coffee shop job. Or something else that is less concerned with keeping a “professional” appearance. I want to be able to stretch my earlobes. Get tattoos that I don’t have to worry about hiding. And keep my nose ring in when I go to work. So. Yeah. That’s that.

Besides, with a pay stub, I’ll be able to prove that I work, and that should help with finding a place to live.

Honestly, if I thought I wouldn’t need the reference source, or the pay stubs, or if I thought I had zero chance of transferring my job to Seattle, I would probably quit on Monday. I would just dance full time, and put every sweaty, crumpled dollar bill in my savings account. I would be able to make a lot more money working four or five nights a week at a club than two and a 40-hour work week at my day job. My heart just isn’t in it anymore. I just want to do whatever it takes to get to Seattle at the end of August.

And yes, most strippers are either Bi, or Lesbians. Just in case you were wondering.

Date: July 3

Mileage: 4.4

July Mileage: 8.8

Year to Date Mileage: 446.8

I have secrets. I shared a LOT of them on Ravelry today. It was very cathartic. I will not share them here, because I don’t trust you.

Date: July 2

Mileage: 4.4

July Mileage: 4.4

Year to Date Mileage: 442.4

I took the u-b’s beagle with Loki and I on our morning walk today. Poor beagle. He is 11 years old, riddled with either tumors or cysts, and fat to boot. He’s been on a diet for a while, but he is just in such bad shape. We got three houses down from our starting point, and he starting coughing. Then he started wheezing. He panted the whole half hour that we “walked.” Walk is used very loosely though, as it is mostly ambling till we get to the next thing that stick more than 5 inches out of the ground, and than poor beagle pees on it. Then we amble some more.

Loki seemed to enjoy himself, it was a novel experience to have poor beagle with us. I doubt Loki got much expercise, but since the u-b is out of town, the beagle is extra pathetic. I figured he could use a little pick-me-up. Last night he even slept on the couch, I think he was waiting for the u-b to come home. Poor little guy.

Anyhow, I am back to having my “dropping acid” dreams, no more dreams with deep psychological meaning. I guess my brain doesn’t have to tell me things when I can’t escape into other thoughts anymore.

Last night was enjoyable. I stopped at the market and picked up some groceries, then went home and made dinner. I played with the puppies for a little while, made them dinner, and then had my own dinner. After that I watched a movie and knitted for a while. I learned how to cast on for magic loop, too! I decided to knit both sleeves at once for my tangled yoke cardigan, so I don’t end up with second sleeve syndrome. And since I was going to have to learn an ew technique to knit two sleeves at once, I figured I might as well learn the magic loop method.

My first trouble of the night came as I realized I had twisted my stitches when I joined in the round. Shoot. So I pulled both sleeves off and cast back on. Then my internet went down, so I had to restart the router for my wireless connection. While that was rebooting, I went through our Christmas stuff, taking my things that had sentimental value to me, and leaving the rest for the u-b (christmas lights, his ornaments). I went back upstairs, found a better tutorial through Ravelry, and tried casting on a second time. The first 10 rounds or so are very “fiddly”. I lost patience right around round 10, and decided I hadn’t twisted my stitches when joining, so it was a good stopping point.

Then I went to bed, and cast on for Shade. I am using Knitpicks CotLin in Key Lime, on size 4 brittany birch needles. I tend to knit VERY loose on non metal needles, so I went down 4 sizes to get gauge. I made one slight alteration to the pattern, and that is that I am doing a C4B on the top of the lampshade, instead of a C4F.

This pattern should result in a cute lamp shade when it is done, and I was fortunate to have the exact size lampshade needed. In fact, I had been thinking of replacing said lampshade for a while now, so this pattern will be perfect. But. This pattern is not very well written. I wouldn’t expect a beginner to cast on and make this without some difficulties. It doesn’t explain what a short row is, or how to wrap & turn. I already knew how to do these things, but someone that has never done them might want to research a little before they start. Also, the directions are vague. It seems like the author just assumes that you will know what she means. Fortunately, this was a free pattern. If I had paid for it, I would have been disappointed in the clarity of instruction.

I didn’t ride my bike today. Can you believe it??? Well, see, I was planning on making a quick trip down to the local yarn store over my lunch break to pick up a 2 - 24″ #2 circular knitting needles so I can knit both sleeves for my tangled yoke cardigan at once. So I drove. I will most likely drive again one day this week, so I can bring some boxes home for packing.

The un-boyfriend is gone now. He won’t be back until Monday. He left around 3:30 am to go to the airport. He is flying to New York for a couple of days, and then on to Bermuda for one of his friend’s wedding. He will be back on Monday. So while he is gone, I plan on, um, cleaning. And, uh, packing. Oh, and I will probably go out with my bff on the fourth.

Because I still have a while before I move, I can’t pack much yet. But I have started going through my stuff, making nice big “recycle”, “trash” and “goodwill” piles. I want to get rid of anything I haven’t read or used or worn in the last year. Because chances are I won’t use it in the NEXT year, and there is no point in moving something that isn’t going to get moved.

Things I can pack right now are: my comforter and bed linens, my winter clothes, my sports equipment (rock climbing gear, camel back, sleeping bag, fishing stuff), most of my books, some of my yarn and spinning stuff, my knick knacks, and some baby stuff that I have held on to for sentimental reasons. I think I will also pack some of my kitchen stuff that is doubles of what the un-boyfriend already owns. We only need ONE set of stuff, and I need to start packing to feel mentally ok.

I am also looking for a part time job this week. I think I will look to waitress in a bar, I have the best chance for good tips at a bar, and the hours are more compatible to what I need. Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT want to get a part time job, and the u-b thinks that I am stressing too much about making my savings big before I move. I don’t.

My two biggest fears are going hungry and being homeless. Even if I don’t have a job lined up in Seattle when I get out there, I need to know that I’ve enough money in my savings account to live off of until I find employment, and still have enough left over to rent an apartment as soon as the paychecks start rolling in. If I have to camp on relatives couches for a couple weeks, well, I don’t consider that homeless. But if I don’t have my own place because I had to live off my savings and I didn’t have enough left over to rent, that would just be devastating to me.

So yeah, I mightbe panicking a little. But panic is what will ultimately get me to do the right thing, even if it is harder for the short term, it will be better in the long run.

Date: June 30

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 111

Year to Date Mileage: 438

Well, we had one of the talks we needed to have over the weekend. No, not the lesbian talk. I am not sure that I am ready to share that information with the un-boyfriend. But that should give you an idea of what we DID talk about.

I won’t go over the details, as that is private information between him and I. But what it boils down to is that we have mutually decided that this relationship has reached the point where it shouldn’t go on. We have reached the point where this is it. We both still love each other very much, but our life together as a couple is not working. Neither of us is really happy any longer, and we need to be able to move forward in whatever direction will make us happy.

For him, that means focusing more on his career in order to be able to advance to the next level. For me, that means moving back to Seattle. Yep, you heard me right. I am finally, after 5 years, moving back home.

I have never felt truely at home here in Omaha. I have always missed Seattle, and have always considered it my home. My last day of work is August 22, and my last day in Omaha is August 28. I will be travelling via Amtrak, first to Sacramento, and then on to Seattle. The trip should take about 4 days, with a 6 hour layover in Sacramento. Hopefully, I will be able to visit my sister for a little while I am in Sac.

This is huge, and I am very nervous about it. I have never lived on my own in Seattle. I am nervous that I will have trouble finding work if my job doesn’t transfer, and I am even more nervous about where I will be living if I don’t have a job. But for now, all I can do is start looking for a job online, figure out how I am going to move my stuff across the country. The un-boyfriend thinks I should groundship it via UPS, and my mom thinks I should rent a POD. I am more concerned with how to rent an apartment if I end up having to spend a lot on shipping my stuff. Living in Seattle is much more expensive than living in Omaha. Renting an apartment will probably cost twice as much as renting in Omaha. Argh, this is stressful. Wish me luck, there will be much more in the weeks to follow.

Date: June 27

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 100.6

Year to Date Mileage: 433.6

On My iPod:Jason Bajada, “Gutterwaltz”

Last night I dreamt about lightning. I dreamt I was walking Loki in the morning, and the sky got really dark. Suddenly there was lightning. I looked over to the horizon, and the lightning started as a really slow streak down, then it circled around back onto itself so it formed a perfect ring in the sky. Instead of disappearing, the ring got bigger, it expanded until it filled the sky, and then it exploded into a firework type display of sparks that showered down on us. I turned and kept walking at that point, even though little embers of lightning kept falling from the sky.

I sort of half heartedly tried talking to the boyfriend last night. I asked him if he had gotten my text message. He said What text? I said the one where I asked you if you had time in your schedule in the next week for a coffee date with me. He groaned and changed the subject. I dropped it because we had a guest, and as soon as the guest left, he fell asleep. Tonight he is going to some country club with his best friend, so I might take Loki and go downtown to go to the Omaha Summer Arts Festival. I am not going to be buying anything, but I like looking at all the handmade stuff, and Loki desperately needs the socialization.

Last night I cut my own hair with clippers. I really wanted to give myself a buzzcut, but I just trimmed it up instead. I figured if I buzzed it, then I wouldn’t have any hair to hide my earlobes from prying eyes once the stretching gets really noticeable. Hair or earlobes was the ultimate decision, and I like stretching my lobes, so the hair must stay. For now.

I also knitted a little, and read some more of my current book “When God Was a Woman“.

I also thought about my situation here in Omaha. See, I had two things keeping me in Omaha. One was my daughter. Well, she has been adopted by my ex’s new wife, so I don’t have a daughter to keep me in Omaha anymore. The other was my boyfriend. Well, seeing as how I am a lesbian, I don’t think my boyfriend will be able to keep me in Omaha either. So I have two choices: #1 I can move out to an apartment here in Omaha for a year, and then move to Seattle. So I would be starting over twice. Or #2, I can suck it up, move to Seattle now and start over once.

Being impulsive, I have decided to just go ahead and move to Seattle in September. That gives me 6 paychecks or so to get money saved, find a place to live and get my car fixed. I am going to take the long way so I can stop in Las Vegas to see my mom and sister, and Sacramento to see my other sister and niece. Then I will be headed to Seattle to start over. I figure it will take me 1-2 weeks, barring any (knock on wood) disasters. I am only moving what will fit in my car, and my bike. So no bed, no dresser, no furniture of any kind. Clothes, yarn, Etsy shop stuff, some books, some kitchen stuff (the basics), camping/hiking/rock climbing gear, and Loki’s stuff. I will start looking for a room to rent in August. I don’t need much at this point, and simpler is much better. I don’t want to rent an apartment, because I will need more things.

Now if I could just get the boyfriend to pay attention to me, I could talk to him about this. Because avoiding me is not going to make it go away. I need out of this frickin city. I am going to miss a few people, and there will be this big vacuum in my life without him. But I can’t stay here. I just can’t. And I am not willing to start over twice in a year. Starting over is hard enough as it is.

Lightning

To see lightning in your dream, signifies sudden awareness, insight, and purification. Alternatively, lightning may imply a shocking turn of events. It suggests the many forces governing your life may be beyond your control.

To dream that you are struck by lightning, symbolizes irreversible changes occurring in your life. It is a transformation of sorts.

Spark

To see a spark in your dream, represents a new idea, possibilities or a fresh beginning. What starts out as something small may generate something grander and greater. Do not underestimate the smaller things in life. Alternatively, the dream may also symbolize the start of a new love.

Date: June 26

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 100.6

Year to Date Mileage: 433.6

On my iPod: Little Big Town, “Live With Lonesome”

So I have openly come out to a couple of people, just to test the water, so to speak. The one thing that they seem to all ask is “Did you just wake up and decide you were gay?” or some other version of that question.

Well, I was thinking about how best to answer that question this morning on my walk with Loki. Here is what I came up with, let me know what you think:

Think of my life as a puzzle. Let’s say that my life, up to this moment, is the equivalent of 10,000 puzzle pieces. Well, the things that told me I was a lesbian were also puzzle pieces. But I only had 100 of these puzzle pieces. So as I was sifting through the box, trying to put the puzzle together, I would occassionaly come across a lesbian puzzle piece. But there were so few of them, and I came across them so infrequently, that I just put them off to the side and forgot about them. Eventually, I found one of the last pieces to the lesbian part of the puzzle. Well, I finally put all these pieces together that I had been putting off to the side over the course of the last 18 years. When I sat back and looked at the finished piece, I suddenly realized what I had been ignoring all this time. It wasn’t a “discovery” or a “realization” so much as it was an epiphany, or an “ah-ha!” moment. Once these pieces were put together, not only did those pieces make sense, but this whole corner of the puzzle regarding my sexuality made sense.

I understand that this is a longwinded explanation, but it thoroughly explains how I came to the realization that I am in fact, not heterosexual.

Date: June 25

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 96.2

Year to Date Mileage: 429.2

Last night I had two very odd dreams. Well, odd for me. See normally, I have dreams that would remind normal people of a panda bear in the 60’s on an acid trip. Things that just make no sense, and I don’t normally even write about them because I can’t even make sense of them. So last night, the fact that I had “normal” dreams, well it was just wierd. My first dream was that I was in my house, and a flood was coming. So I started picking things off the floor and putting them up in high places. I was very selective about what I picked up. Mostly sentimental knick knacks, clothes, a couple of books. Soon the flood was knee deep. And then the bedroom furniture started floating. Did I mention that I was in my bedroom the whole time? I never ventured out of my bedroom. I never felt panicked, just a mild sense of “oh-no”. Like I was completely disconnected from what was happening.

So I figured that this first dream, this flood dream, was because of all the flooding that has been going on here in the midwest. But then I decided to check the interpretation of flood dreams online, and this is what I found:

Flood

Floods are caused by heavy rain and the melting of snow. Water in any form, including rain and snow, symbolizes emotions. Dreaming about being in a flood is an indication that the dreamer is currently experiencing powerful emotions that may be overwhelming. The flood in your dream could represent a very powerful, or even violent, emotionally cleansing experience. But don’t worry, just like in an actual flood, waters reside and so do emotions. Water at times represents the flow of life and this dream may point to your feelings of being overwhelmed by it. Depending on the content of the dream and your emotional experience in it, the flood could also represent sexuality and be a sexual dream symbol.

ALSO:

Flood

To see a raging flood with its muddy debris, represents emotional issues and tension. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood for indications of where in your waking life may a situation be the source of stress and tension.

It’s funny how, after I finally come to terms with being a lesbian, after having powerful memories resurface that finally validate who I am, then I have a dream about floods, and this is the meaning that I found online, over and over again. Floods mean strong emotions. Heh.

My other dream was that I was petting the dogs, and they were covered in fleas. First it was one flea, then another and another. Before I knew it, they were all over the puppies. I could not pick them off fast enough.

FLEAS - dream interpretation (meaning)

I am not sure where the fleas fit in, I saw them on my dogs, but the boyfriend was there with me. I would definitely say he has been inconstant lately, but then, so have I. I don’t have any prentended friends, so slander is out. And I don’t think Iam going to be provoked to anger by the evil machinations of those around me, either. Maybe it was just another strong emotion dream.

Date: June 24

Mileage: 4.4

June Mileage: 91.8

Year to Date Mileage: 424.8

This morning, the puppy woke me up at 5:30, like usual, for his morning walk. I stepped outside, and heard the distant thunder. Every now and then the sky would lighten briefly, but I could discern no lightening nearby, so we headed off on our walk. Fearing that the thunderstorm would roll in any minute, and we would be caught in a downpour, I hastened our walk from the usual 1 hour to a paltry 20 minutes.

We never did get rained on, in fact, we could have walked for the whole hour, and never haver been rained on. But I used the extra time back at home to clean the kitchen from last night’s dinner, take care of the critters, clean my piercings, order a Campmor catalog, and make lunch for the next two days at work. So I used my extra time wisely, but the puppy could have used that exercise even more.

The bike ride was nice, but I quickly realized that my nice “rain-proof” coat from REI is no longer water proof, so I will need to Scotchguard it soon. I got to work, changed out of my wet clothes and laid them out to dry, and got to work.

My morning has been busy, but I can’t stop thinking about the boyfriend. See, this is where my true fears come in. I need to decide if/how/when to come out of the closet with him. I am certain he knows that soemthing is going on, he has become increasingly distant with me in the last few weeks. My fear isn’t that he knows I am gay, my fear is that I will lose him forever.

He is my family. He is my best friend. He has been my lover for three years. He rescued me from myself and the edge of a bottomless abyss. He knows my deepest, darkest secrets. He knows everything about me, well, except for this lesbian thing. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to be lonely and alone. Mostly, I don’t want him to be lonely, alone, or hurt. This has nothing to do with who he is, it has everything to do with who I am.

I feel like I am cheating on him with myself. I have no desire in dating anyone else, I am not seeing anyone else. I have not been unfaithful to him, ever. But this secret that I have, it feels deceptive, like I am cheating.

Click on the picture to make your own.